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bumblebee reprise

  • thoughtpocket
  • Oct 30, 2014
  • 2 min read

Four and a half months of conversations and couches, shows and classes, train stations and bus rides, journal entries and postcards and so many hellos and too many goodbyes and problem solving and aching and exhilaration. I've covered some distance (in the past month, I've moved eight times). I've thought some thoughts. I finally cried again recently. Sometimes it's all just so much!

I'm staying at a friend's flat and she doesn't really live here anymore and there is no internet, so this is the first real alone time I've had yet. I'm settling down, catching up on sleep, doing a lot of writing and then coming to the library to post and reply to emails. At the moment I'm in Würzburg, Germany and will be here for at least three weeks, taking three, three-day workshops. Right now I'm slowing down and reveling in the in-between times: time to stretch, drink tea, process. These are the moments where some of the lessons sink in, where the love and gratitude I feel for everyone and everything hits me in overwhelming waves, and where I get to see how I've grown.

Sometimes I don't even recognize myself. Literally and figuratively. I saw some photos of myself from a recent workshop and was totally bewildered (I am always confused by my own appearance to some degree, but more than usual): I've put on some muscle and weight and the photos caught me moving in a way that struck me as surprisingly sturdy, strong.

Staring out the train window at the vineyards and cow pastures on the way here, I realized that if I had known how hard this was all going to be I probably wouldn't be here. If I had had any idea of the infinite tiny and huge ways that solo improvised wheelchair travel would be difficult, awkward, stressful, frustrating and vulnerable, I wouldn't have even gotten through the application process for this fellowship because I never would have trusted that I could do this. My t-shirt from the improtheater fest says: “If we wait until we were ready, we'll be waiting for the rest of our lives.” That! I guess this is a larger-scale echo of my bumblebee realization from a few months ago.

AND I'm so glad I had no idea how unprepared I was or how uncomfortable this would sometimes be. Because I also had no idea how tough I am and how much I could grow in such a short time and especially, how generous, warm, connected, and loving the world can be. And how much possibility there is in vulnerability. This has not been easy but it has been right. In every moment I've been with exactly the person or people I've needed to be around. I've been learning exactly what I need to learn.


 
 
 

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