oh my word!
Words are inadequate at the moment – I have absolutely no clue how to express this intensity of BURSTING and overwhelming rawness and newness and just – this is so absurd! I’ll do my best to come to some imperfect articulation, because I’d love to dedicate some time to processing this thrilling information and also, being the aggressively reflective person I am, personal writing has long been a cathartic means of sense-making for me.
In fact, I started a notebook of Watson/Wild Dream ideas at the beginning of last semester and filled it with more bursting – doodles, notes, reflections, confessions, itineraries, emails, quotes – and just now spent a good hour flipping through it again and laughing, adding to it. I had a gorgeous celebratory day yesterday but the reality of this situation has been slow to hit me and I think will continue to take its time. After spending much of the year trying to restrain my excitement (which, if you know me you know this is nearly impossible!) for fear of getting hurt, it’s almost scary to be able to unravel it all the way. Also, I would be lying if I tried to say this excitement was simple – it is inevitably mixed with apprehension, chaos, guilt – it’s just so much arbitrary privilege to be handed at once. Especially with dear friends who are much more brilliant than I am and who weren’t as lucky, and with so so so many more brilliant people who aren’t even in the position to be at these small liberal arts colleges that give us the opportunity to apply for things like the Watson in the first place. I want to acknowledge all of that.
My time in college has been challenging me to critically consider my own privileges, and to try to grow from them by acknowledging their complexities and doing my best to act as thoughtfully and ethically as I can. Often, this process is as uncomfortable as it is necessary. But discomfort is something I am going to have to PLUNGE into this coming year in so many ways.
I am overwhelmed with emotion and gratitude and just so much fullness – I feel like any second my mouth will involuntarily explode into endless shouts and crying and singing. Alone in my room, I keep catching myself laughing in the mirror: hey you, we’re going to have quite a time together this year. I will keep shouting crying singing laughing all across it.
You’ve likely gathered that I love to perform, but you may or may not know that I’ve always been a little ashamed of that fact… in the back of my mind I’ve always felt that my body doesn’t quite belong or deserve to be on stage and I often have asserted that these passions of mine aren’t too ‘serious.’ As playful as ever, I’m seriously developing a new, heartful relationship to performance, a much healthier and more satisfying one I think. I am, very slowly, learning to REVEL in it all — I LOVE IMPROV I LOVE PERFORMANCE I LOVE HUMANS THESE ARE LIFE IN SO MANY WAYS! I LOVE LIFE!
There is too, too much to say to the people in my life who have pushed and nurtured me into finding that love. There are so many of you and I am grateful for every single moment and conversation. If you’re reading this, you are very likely one of them. I can’t thank you enough.
Since I had created this little blog to post a few supplemental materials in my Watson application, (the rehearsal clips from improv last semester, seen below), I figured it might be a good space to continue to process and connect by posting here. Hopefully I’ll find some creative and compelling ways of doing so, but for now, just a little letter of emotion and gratitude.
so much love,
haley
